The Twilight Saga 4: Breaking Dawn 17. What Do I Look Like? …

17. What Do I Look Like? The Wizard Of Oz? You Need A wittiness? You Need A Heart? Go A percentage point.Take Mine. Take Everything I Have. HEART? GO AHEAD. TAKE MINE. TAKE EVERYTHING I HAVE.I fall apart of had a aim as I ran to the Cullens garage. The flash part of it was totaling the bloodsuckers car on my office arse.So I was at a loss when I mashed the much everyplaceton on the keyless remote, and it was non his Volvo that beeped and flashed its lights for me. It was some an new(prenominal)(prenominal)wise car a standout even in the long line of vehicles that were mostly all in all drool-worthy in their own ways.Did he real mean to give me the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish, or was that an accident?I didnt pause to say to the highest degree it, or if this would change that second part of my plan. I just threw myself into the pat leather seat and cranked the engine while my knees were still crunched up under the focal point wheel. The sound of the motors purr might subscribe to made me moan some other day, plainly if correctly now it was all I could do to concentrate enough to put it in drive.I found the seat release and shoved myself tail as my foot rammed the pedal down. The car felt almost airborne as it leaped forward.It only took seconds to race through the tight, winding drive. The car responded to me identical my thoughts were steering rather than my hands. As I blew out of the green tunnel and onto the alley, I caught a fleeting glimpse of Leahs gray face peering uneasily through the ferns.For half(a) a second, I wondered what shed conceive, and then I realized that I didnt care.I turned south, because I had no patience today for ferries or traffic or anything else that meant I might have to lift my foot off the pedal.In a sick way, it was my lucky day. If by lucky you meant taking a well-traveled highway at two hundred without so much as seeing one cop, even in the thirty-mile-an-hour speed-trap towns. What a letdown. A little chase workmight have been nice, not to mention that the license plate info would bring the heat down on the leech. Sure, hed buy his way out of it, however it might have been just a little inconvenient for him.The only sign of surveillance i came crossways was just a hint of ghastly brown fur flitting through the woods, running parallel to me for a few miles on the south side of Forks. Quil, it looked the a akin(p)s of. He must have seen me, too, because he disappeared later a minute without raising an alarm. Again, I almost wondered what his story would be onwards I remembered that I didnt care.I raced around the long U-shaped highway, heading for the biggest city I could find. That was the first part of my plan.It searched to take forever, probably because I was still on the razor blades, but it actually didnt even take two hours before I was driving north into the undefined sprawl that was part Tacoma and part Seattle. I slowed down then, because I sincerely wasnt trying to kill any desolate bystanders.This was a stupid plan. It wasnt going to work. But, as Id searched my head for any way at all to get away from the anguish, what Leahd said today had popped in there.That would go away, you last, if you imprinted. You wouldnt have to hurt all everyplace her anyto a greater extent.Seemed like maybe getting your choices taken away from you wasnt the very worst thing in the world. Maybe feeling like this was the very worst thing in the world.But Id seen all the girls in La Push and up on the Makah rez and in Forks. I deficiencyed a wider hunting range.So how do you look for a random soul mate in a crowd? Well, first, I needed a crowd. So I tooled around, looking for a likely spot. I passed a couple of malls, which probably wouldve been pretty good postal services to find girls my age, but I couldnt make myself stop. Did I compulsion to imprint on some girl who hung out in a mall all day?I unplowed going north, and it got more and mo re crowded. reddentually, I found a big park full of kids and families and skateboards and bikes and kites and picnics and the whole bit. I hadnt noticed till now it was a nice day. sunshine and all that. People were out celebrating the blue sky.I parked crosswise two handicapped spots just begging for a ticket and join the crowd.I paseoed around for what felt like hours. Long enough that the sun changed sides in the sky. I stared into the face of every girl who passed anywhere near me, make myself really look, noticing who was pretty and who had blue eyes and who looked good in braces and who had way too much makeup on. I tried to find something fire about each face, so that I would know for sure that Id really tried. Things like This one had a really straight nose that one should quilt her hair out of her eyes this one could do lipstick ads if the rest of her face was as perfect as her mouth___Some eons they stared back. Sometimes they looked scared like they were think ing, Who is this big freak glaring at me? Sometimes I thought they looked kind of interested, but maybe that was just my ego running wild.Either way, nothing. Even when I met the eyes of the girl who was no contest the hottest girl in the park and probably in the city, and she stared right back with a speculation that looked like interest, I felt nothing. Just the equal desperate drive to find a way out of the pain.As time went on, I started noticing all the do by things. Bella things. This ones hair was the same color. That ones eyes were sort of shaped the same. This ones cheekbones cut across her face in just the same way. That one had the same little note amongst her eyes which made me wonder what she was worrying about___That was when I gave up. Because it was beyond stupid to think that I had picked exactly the right place and time and I was going to simply walk into my soul mate just because I was so desperate to.It wouldnt make sense to find her here, anyway. If Sam w as right, the best place to find my genetic match would be in La Push. And, clearly, no one there fit the bill. If Billy was right, then who knew? What made for a stronger wildcat?I wandered back to the car and then slumped against the hood and played with the keys.Maybe I was what Leah thought she was. Some kind of dead end that shouldnt be passed on to another generation. Or maybe it was just that my life was a big, cruel joke, and there was no escape from the punch line.Hey, you okay? Hello? You there, with the stolen car.It took me a second to realize that the voice was talking to me, and then another second to decide to raise my head.A familiar-looking girl was staring at me, her expression kind of anxious. I knew why I recognized her face Id already catalogued this one. Light red-gold hair, fair skin, a few gold-colored freckles sprinkled across her cheeks and nose, and eyes the color of cinnamon.If youre feeling that remorseful over boosting the car, she said, smiling so th at a dimple popped out in her chin, you could always turn yourself in.Its borrowed, not stolen, I snapped. My voice sounded horrible like Id been crying or something. Embarrassing.Sure, thatW hold up in court.I glowered. You need something?Not really. I was kidding about the car, you know. Its just that you look really vex about something. Oh, hey, Im Lizzie. She held out her hand.I looked at it until she let it refund.Anyway, she said awkwardly, I was just wondering if I could help. Seemed like you were looking for someone before. She gestured toward the park and shrugged.Yeah.She waited.I sighed. I dont need any help. Shes not here.Oh. Sorry.Me, too, I muttered.I looked at the girl again. Lizzie. She was pretty. Nice enough to try to help a grouchy stranger who must seem nuts. Why couldnt she be the one? Why did everything have to be so freaking complicated? Nice girl, pretty, and sort of funny. Why not?This is a beautiful car, she said. Its really a shame theyre not making the m anymore. I mean, the Vantages body styling is gorgeous, too, but theres just something about the Vanquish___Nice girl who knew cars. Wow. I stared at her face harder, neediness I knew how to make it work. Cmon, Jake imprint already.Hows it drive? she asked.Like you wouldnt believe, I told her.She grinned her one-dimple smile, clearly pleased to have dragged a halfway civil response out of me, and I gave her a reluctant smile back.But her smile did nothing about the sharp, cutting blades that raked up and down my body. No matter how much I postulateed it to, my life was not going to come together like that.I wasnt in that healthier place where Leah was headed. I wasnt going to be able to fall in love like a normal person. Not when I was bleeding over someone else. Maybe if it was ten years from now and Bellas feeling was long dead and Id hauled myself through the whole grieving process and come out in one piece again maybe then I could offer Lizzie a ride in a fast car and t alk makes and models and get to know something about her and see if I liked her as a person. But that wasnt going to happen now.Magic wasnt going to save me. I was just going to have to take the torture like a man. Suck it up.Lizzie waited, maybe hoping I was going to offer her that ride. Or maybe not.Id better get this car back to the guy I borrowed it from, I muttered.She smiled again. iris to hear youre going straight.Yeah, you convinced me.She watched me get in the car, still sort of concerned. I probably looked like someone who was about to drive off a cliff. Which maybe I wouldve, if that kind of moved work for a werewolf. She waved once, her eyes trailing after the car.At first, I drove more sanely on the way back. I wasnt in a rush. I didnt want to go where I was going. Back to that house, back to that forest. Back to the pain Id run from. Back to being absolutely alone with it.Okay, that was melodramatic. I wouldnt be all alone, but that was a bad thing. Leah and Seth woul d have to subscribe with me. I was glad Seth wouldnt have to suffer long. Kid didnt deserve to have his peace of mind ruined. Leah didnt, either, but at least it was something she understood. Nothing new about pain for Leah.I sighed big as I thought about what Leah wanted from me, because I knew now that she was going to get it. I was still pissed at her, but I couldnt cut the fact that i could make her life easier. And now that I knew her better I thought she would probably do this for me, if our positions were reversed.It would be interesting, at the very least, and strange, too, to have Leah as a companion as a booster dose. We were going to get under each others skin a lot, that was for sure. She wouldnt be one to let me wallow, but I thought that was a good thing. Id probably need someone to kick my butt now and then. But when it came right down to it, she was really the only friend who had any chance of understanding what I was going through now.I thought of the hunt thi s morning, and how close our minds had been for that one moment in time. It hadnt been a bad thing. Different. A little scary, a little awkward. But also nice in a weird way.I didnt have to be all alone.And I knew Leah was strong enough to face with me the months that were coming. Months and years. It made me tired to think about it. I felt like I was staring out across an ocean that I was going to have to swim from shore to shore before I could rest again.So much time coming, and then so little time before it started. Before I was flung into that ocean. Three and a half more days, and here I was, wasting that little bit of time I had.I started driving too fast again.I saw Sam and Jared, one on either side of the road like sentinels, as I raced up the road toward Forks. They were well hidden in the thick branches, but I was expecting them, and I knew what to look for. I nodded as I blew early(prenominal) tense them, not bothering to wonder what they made of my day trip.I nodded to Leah and Seth, too, as I cruised up the Cullens driveway. It was starting to get dark, and the clouds were thick on this side of the sound, but I saw their eyes glitter in the glow of the headlights. I would explain to them later. Thered be plenty of time for that.It was a surprise to find Edward waiting for me in the garage. I hadnt seen him away from Bella in days. I could tell from his face that nothing bad had happened to her. In fact, he looked more peaceful than before. My stomach tightened as I remembered where that peace came from.It was too bad that with all my brooding Id forgotten to wreck the car. Oh well. I probably wouldnt have been able to stand hurting this car, anyway. Maybe hed guessed as much, and thats why hed lent it to me in the first place.A few things, Jacob, he said as soon as I cut the engine.I took a deep breath and held it for a minute. Then, slowly, I got out of the car and threw the keys to him.Thanks for the loan, I said sourly. Apparently, it would have to be repaid. What do you want now?for the first time I know how averse you are to using your authority with your pack, butI blinked, astonished that he would even dream of starting in on this one. What?If you cant or wont control Leah, then I Leah? I interrupted, speaking through my teeth. What happened?Edwards face was hard. She came up to see why youd left so abruptly. I tried to explain. I suppose it might not have come out right.What did she do?She phased to her human form and Really? I interrupted again, shocked this time. I couldnt process that. Leah letting her guard down right in the mouth of the enemys lair?She wanted to speak to Bella.To Bella?Edward got all hissy then. I wont let Bella be upset like that again. I dont care how justified Leah thinks she is I didnt hurt her of course I wouldnt but Ill throw her out of the house if it happens again. Ill launch her right across the river Hold on. What did she say? None of this was making any sense.Edward took a de ep breath, composing himself. Leah was unnecessarily harsh. Im not going to pretend that I understand why Bella is unable to let go of you, but I do know that she does not behave this way to hurt you. She suffers a great deal over the pain shes inflicting on you, and on me, by asking you to stay. What Leah said was uncalled for. Bellas been crying Wait Leah was yelling at Bella about me?He nodded one sharp nod. You were quite an vehemently championed.Whoa. I didnt ask her to do that.I know.I rolled my eyes. Of course he knew. He knew everything.But that was really something about Leah. Who would have believed it? Leah walkway into the bloodsuckers place human to complain about how /was being treated.I cant promise to control Leah, I told him. I wont do that. But Ill talk to her, okay? And I dont think therell be a repeat. Leahs not one to hold back, so she probably got it all off her chest today.I would say so.Anyway, Ill talk to Bella about it, too. She doesnt need to feel bad. This ones on me.I already told her that.Of course you did. Is she okay?Shes sleeping now. Rose is with her.So the psycho was Rose now. Hed completely crossed over to the dark side.He ignored that thought, continuing with a more complete answer to my question. Shes better in some ways. Aside from Leahs tirade and the resulting guilt.Better. Because Edward was hearing the ogre and everything was all lovey-dovey now. Fantastic.Its a bit more than that, he murmured. instantaneously that I can make out the childs thoughts, its apparent that he or she has remarkably developed mental facilities. He can understand us, to an extent. My mouth fell open. Are you serious?Yes. He seems to have a vague sense of what hurts her now. Hes trying to stay off that, as much as possible. He loves her. Already.I stared at Edward, feeling sort of like my eyes might pop out of their sockets. Underneath that disbelief, I could see right away that this was the critical factor. This was what had changed E dward that the monster had convinced him of this love. He couldnt hate what loved Bella. It was probably why he couldnt hate me, either. There was a bigdifference, though. I wasnt killing her.Edward went on, acting like he hadnt comprehend all that. The progress, I believe, is more than wed judged. When Carlisle returns Theyre not back? I cut in sharply. I thought of Sam and Jared, watching the road. Would they get curious as to what was going on?Alice and Jasper are. Carlisle sent all the blood he was able to acquire, but it wasnt as much as he was hoping for Bella will use up this supply in another day the way her appetite has grown. Carlisle stayed to try another source. I dont think thats necessary now, but he wants to be covered for any eventuality.Why isnt it necessary? If she needs more?I could tell he was watching and listening to my reaction carefully as he explained. Tm trying to persuade Carlisle to deliver the baby as soon as he is back.What?The child seems to be att empting to avoid rough movements, but its difficult. Hes become too big. Its madness to wait, when hes clearly developed beyond what Carlisle had guessed. Bellas too fragile to delay.I kept getting my legs knocked out from under me. First, counting on Edwards hatred of the thing so much. Now, Id realized that I thought of those four days as a sure thing. Id banked on them.The endless ocean of grief that waited stretched out before me.I tried to catch my breath.Edward waited. I stared at his face while I recovered, recognizing another change there.You think shes going to make it, I whispered.Yes. That was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.I couldnt say anything. After a minute, he went on.Yes, he said again. Waiting, as we have been, for the child to be ready, that was insanely dangerous. At any moment it could have been too late. But if were proactive about this, if we act quickly, I see no reason why it should not go well. Knowing the childs mind is unbelievably helpful . Thankfully, Bella and Rose sum up with me. Now that Ive convinced them its safe for the child if we proceed, theres nothing to keep this from working.When will Carlisle be back? I asked, still whispering. I hadnt got my breath back yet.By midday tomorrow.My knees buckled. I had to grab the car to hold myself up. Edward reached out like he was offering support, but then he thought better of it and dropped his hands.Im sorry, he whispered. I am truly sorry for the pain this causes you, Jacob. Though you hate me, I must admit that I dont feel the same about you. I think of you as a a brother in many ways. A comradein arms, at the very least. I regret your suffering more than you realize. But Bella is going to survive when he said that his voice was fierce, even violent and I know thats what really matters to you.He was probably right. It was hard to tell. My head was spinning.So I hate to do this now, while youre already dealing with too much, but, clearly, there is little time. I have to ask you for something to beg, if I must.I dont have anything left, I choked out.He lifted his hand again, as if to put it on my shoulder, but then let it drop like before and sighed.I know how much you have given, he said quietly. But this is something you do have, and only you. Im asking this of the true Alpha, Jacob. Im asking this of Ephraims heir.I was way past being able to respond.I want your permission to deviate from what we agreed to in our treaty with Ephraim. I want you to grant us an exception. I want your permission to save her life. You know 111 do it anyway, but I dont want to break faith with you if there is any way to avoid it. We never think to go back on our word, and we dont do it lightly now. I want your understanding, Jacob, because you know exactly why we do this. I want the alliance between our families to survive when this is over.I tried to swallow. Sam, I thought. Its Sam you want.No. Sams authority is assumed. It belongs to you. Youll never t ake it from him, but no one can rightfully agree to what Im asking except for youIts not my decision.It is, Jacob, and you know it. Your word on this will condemn us or absolve us. Only you can give this to me.cant think. I dont know.We dont have much time. He glanced back toward the house.No, there was no time. My few days had become a few hours.dont know. Let me think. Just give me a minute here, okay?Yes.I started walking to the house, and he followed. Crazy how easy it was, walking through the dark with a vampire right beside me. It didnt feel unsafe, or even uncomfortable, really. It felt like walking next to anybody. Well, anybody who smelled bad.There was a movement in the brush at the edge of the big lawn, and then a low whimper. Seth shrugged through the ferns and loped over to us.Hey, kid, I muttered.He dipped his head, and I patted his shoulder.Sall cool, I lied. Ill tell you about it later. Sorry to take off on you like that.He grinned at me.Hey, tell your sister to back off now, okay? Enough.Seth nodded once.I shoved against his shoulder this time. Get back to work. Ill spell you in a bit.Seth leaned against me, shoving back, and then he galloped into the trees.He has one of the purest, sincerest, kindest minds Ive ever heard, Edward murmured when he was outof sight. Youre lucky to have his thoughts to share.I know that, grunted.We started toward the house, and both of our heads snapped up when we heard the sound of someone sucking through a straw. Edward was in a hurry then.He darted up the porch stairs and was gone.Bella, love, Ithought you were sleeping, I heard him say. Im sorry, I wouldnt have left.Dont worry. Ijust got so thirsty it woke me up.Its a good thing Carlisle is bringing more. This kid is going to need it when he gets out of me.True. Thats a good point.I wonder if hell want anything else, she mused.I suppose well find out.I walked through the door.Alice said, Finally, and Bellas eyes flashed to me. That infuriating, irresistible s mile broke across her face for one second. Then it faltered, and her face fell. Her lips puckered, like she was trying not to cry.I wanted to punch Leah right in her stupid mouth.Hey, Bells, Isaid quickly. How ya doing?Im fine, she said.Big day today, huh? Lots of new stuff.You dont have to do that, Jacob.Dont know what youre talking about, I said, going to sit on the arm of the sofa by her head. Edward had the floor there already.She gave me a reproachful look. Im so s she started to say.I pinched her lips together between my thumb and finger.Jake, she mumbled, trying to pull my hand away. Her attempt was so weak it was hard to believe that she was really trying.I shake my head. You can talk when youre not being stupid.Fine,I wont say it, it sounded like she mumbled.I pulled my hand away.Sorry she finished quickly, and then grinned.I rolledmy eyes and then smiled back at her.When I stared into her eyes, I saw everything that Id been looking for in the park.Tomorrow, shed be someo ne else. But hopefully alive, and that was what counted, right? Shed look at me with the same eyes, sort of. Smile with the same lips, almost. Shed still know me better than anyone who didnt havefull access to the inside of my head.Leah might be an interesting companion, maybe even a true friend someone who would stand up for me. Butshe wasnt my best friend the way thatBella was. Aside from the impossible love I felt for Bella, there was also that other bond, and it ran bone deep.Tomorrow, shed be my enemy. Or shed be myally. And, apparently, that distinction was up to me.I sighed.FineI thought, giving up the very last thing i had to give. It made me feel hollow. Go ahead. Save her. As Ephraims heir, you have my permission, my word, that this will not violate the treaty. The others will just have to blame me. You were right they cant abnegate that its my right to agree to this.Thank you. Edwards whisper was low enough that Bella didnt hear anything. But the words were so fervent t hat, from the corner of my eye, I saw the other vampires turning to stare.So,Bella asked, working to be casual. How was your day?Great. Went for a drive. Hung out in the park.Sounds nice.Sure, sure.Suddenly, she made a face. Rose? she asked.I heard Blondie chuckle. Again?I think Ive drunk two gallons in the last hour, Bella explained.Edward and I both got out of the way while Rosalie came to lift Bella from the couch and take her to the bathroom.Can I walk? Bella asked. My legs are so stiff.Are you sure? Edward asked.Rosellcatch me if I trip over my feet. Which could happen pretty easily, since I cant see them.Rosalie set Bellacarefully on her feet, keeping her hands right atBellas shoulders. Bella stretched her arms out in front of her, wincing a little.That feels good, she sighed. Ugh, but Im huge.She really was. Her stomach was its own continent.One more day, she said, and patted her stomach.I couldnt help the pain that shot through me in a sudden, stabbing burst, but I tried to keep it off my face. I could hide it for one more day, right?All righty, then. Whoops oh, noThe cup Bella had left on the sofa tumbled to one side, the dark red blood spilling out onto the pale fabric.Automatically, though three other hands beat her there, Bella bent over, reaching out to catch it.There was the strangest, muffled ripping sound from the center of her body.Oh she gasped.And then she went totally limp, slumping toward the floor. Rosalie caught her in the same instant, before she could fall. Edward was there, too, hands out, the mess on the sofa forgotten.Bella? he asked, and then his eyes unfocused, and panic shot across his features.A half second later,Bella screamed.Itwas not justa scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying sound cut off with a gurgle, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her body twitched, arched in Rosalies arms, and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.